How to Improve Communication in Relationships : for better love
The old saying “communication is key” is not wrong. But it’s a lot easier to tell someone how to communicate in a relationship than to actually do it.
So, yes, communication is key, but what we really mean is effective communication is key.
Many of us confuse communication with having a conversation. Sure, talking to someone is basic communication, but just because you’re talking doesn’t mean you express your feelings nor does it mean that the other person truly understands what you say. Learning how to communicate in a relationship is what makes it work or where it all falls apart.
The Importance of Communication
It is the encounters with people that make life worth living.” Guy de Maupassant
We all have a strong need for connectivity and belonging. This is why positive social interactions increase our subjective well-being and provide greater life satisfaction (Lyubomirsky, 2008). Nursing social relationships enhance happiness because spending time with friends or colleagues builds positive emotions, a key component of happiness (Fredrickson & Joiner, 2002).
Yes, social relationships are vital for a happy and fulfilling life. Interactions can be verbal or nonverbal; we can even connect with each other through a smile. A vital element of positive social interaction, however, is good communication. But what does that signify?
What is Healthy Communication?
A typical communication model includes a sender, a receiver and a (verbal or nonverbal) message which is encoded by the sender and decoded by the receiver. It also includes feedback, which is the response of the receiver to the message as well as noise, which is anything that can disrupt communication.
Encoding refers to the sender transforming a thought into a communicable message. The receiver, on the other hand interprets what he receives as the message (both verbal and nonverbal parts). So much for the theory. As you can imagine, a lot happens in between, as no message is ever decoded without a bias.
The way we decode a message is never the objective reality. We all have our own filters and explanatory styles which paint the picture of the world as we see it. What makes the process of communication even more complex is the fact that the message of the sender is hardly ever just factual information.
In his Four-Sides model of communication, Friedemann Schulz von Thun (1981) points out that every message has four facets to
it:
- Fact: What I inform about (data, facts, statements)
- Self-revealing: What I reveal about myself (information about the sender)
- Relationship: What I think about you (information about how we get along)
- Appeal: What I want to make you do (an attempt to influence the receiver)
There is never the same emphasis put on each of the four facets, and the emphasis can be meant and understood differently. For instance, the husband saying “the sugar jar is empty” may be less about the fact that there is no sugar left in the jar, but the prompt for his wife to go and fill up the jar.
To make it even more complex, as a receiver we tend to have one of the four “ears” particularly well trained (factual ear, relationship ear, self-revelation ear or appeal ear). So if the wife has a well-trained relationship ear she may decode the sentence to be “you are very unreliable since you have forgotten to refill the sugar jar”. So she replies angrily “Well you are not very reliable yourself, you still haven’t fixed the light in the kitchen!” Do you recognize this type of conversation?
The underlying emphasis of both the sender and the receiver on the four facets can create a barrier to healthy communication. It is important to understand that what we hear may not be what the other person was trying to get across. Think about it: which one is your best developed “ear”? For instance, do you tend to hear an appeal in every sentence? Or do you often feel questioned (hence you are listening with your relationship “ear”)?
In order to engage in healthy communication, we need to be aware of the four facets. So the next time you feel questioned, go back to the original statement and think about the four facets. How else could you have interpreted the message? Focus on the actual facts of the message and use questions to clarify whether you understood what the other person was trying to tell you.
What to Do If There’s No Communication in a Relationship
“You cannot truly listen to anyone and do anything else at the same time.” M. Scott Peck
One of the most important communication skills is listening. Deep, positive relationships can only be developed by listening to each other (Weger, Castle, & Emmett, 2010). So if there is no communication in your relationship it may be due to the fact that there was no one truly listening while both of you were just trying to get a point across. Here are the most common listening mistakes:
- Daydreaming or thinking of something else (even something as simple as your list of groceries) while another person is speaking
- Thinking of what to say next
- Judging what the other person is saying
- Listening with a specific goal/outcome in mind
But active listening is so much more than not talking. It is an art which requires a genuine interest in the other person, a curiosity rather than an anticipative mind. Active listening involves:
- Nonverbal involvement (show your attention)
- Paying attention to your vis-à-vis, not your own thoughts
- No judgment
- Tolerating silence
To revive communication in a relationship try the following exercise: Person A gets ten minutes to talk about their day, whileperson B is listening actively and with a genuine interest. Person B is allowed to ask clarifying questions but should not interrupt person A. If there is a silence that’s fine. Relax.
After person A’s ten minutes are up (all of the allotted time needs to be used) person B gets to talk for ten minutes as well, while the same listening rules apply to person A. You will find that ten minutes is a very long time to listen, but you will also be amazed how much you learn about each other and how this exercise adds value to the quality of your relationship and your communication.
Having put emphasis on listening here are some techniques to improve communication in personal and intimate relationships.
How to communicate in a relationship
All of us who’ve experienced problems in our relationships *not just romantic* had issues with communication. Sometimes, we’re too scared to tell people how we feel or we don’t want to cause an issue, so we brush it to the side. We think by ignoring the problem it will just go away. In most cases it only gets worse, usually resulting with someone blowing up in an angry rage.
You never want to let a situation get to that point, especially when you could have easily solved it just by expressing your feelings. Shitty communication skills not only affect your intimate relationships but also your surrounding relationships with friends and co-workers. If you want to know how to communicate in a relationship the right way, keep these things in mind.
#1 Stop talking and listen. We love to talk, almost to the point where we really don’t care if someone listens or not. But if you want to improve your communication, you must get out of your head and actively listen to your partner. Expressing your feelings is one thing, but if you don’t listen to their needs, you will not be able to reciprocate.
#2 You’re going to have to open up. This is the hard part for many of us. No one wants to become vulnerable, even though it’s perfectly healthy. Many of us think we’re “weak” for opening up to someone else and becoming vulnerable. How else will you express your feelings if you’re not honest with your partner?
#3 Don’t assume anything. Don’t assume that your partner feels this or thinks that. If you start assuming how they feel, you actually prevent proper communication from occurring. You know the saying, “When you assume, you make an ass out of you and me.” A truer phrase has never been spoken. Throw your assumptions out the window because they’re not going to help you one bit.
#4 When talking, use “I.” This is really the basics of effective communication. When you speak about your feelings, always use “I” statements. Don’t say “you.” This is accusatory and easily takes the discussion down a different, unpleasant road. So, for example, don’t say, “You never wash the dishes,” instead, say, “I feel annoyed when you don’t wash the dishes after saying you will.”
#5 You say a lot through body language. We communicate mostly through body language, shockingly. So, when you sit down to talk about your feelings, a frown on your face with your arms crossed isn’t giving off great vibes. Try to maintain an open and neutral position, one that doesn’t give off defensive or aggressive energy.
#6 Walk the talk. Everyone says they’re going to change and be a better person. Hell, even I’ve said it 100 times. But what really makes the difference is when you actually do it. If you don’t follow through with your words, how can you improve your communication skills with your partner? If you say you’re going to work on your anger, actually take the steps necessary to do so.
#7 It’s a two-way street. The only way to improve your communication is if both people are fully invested in it. If your partner is already working on their communication skills, you need to step up and meet them halfway. This won’t work if only one person does all the work.
#8 No texting. If you’re upset about something, sure, you can text them. However, it’s very easy to miscommunicate your feelings via text. The other person can’t hear your tone of voice or see your facial expression behind a text message. This is why you need to save these conversations for in-person talks, especially when you’re trying to understand how to communicate in a relationship in the best way possible. Yes, I know it’s easier to sit behind your phone, but it causes more bad than good.
#9 You don’t have to solve a problem right away. We usually feel that when we have a disagreement with someone, it needs to be solved right away. Of course, we want the problem solved now. It saves us hours of awkward encounters in the kitchen.
But not all arguments or disagreements need to be solved right away. Sometimes, if it was really heated, you’re better off sleeping on it and then discussing it the next day. That way, you both had space and can now effectively communicate.
#10 Keep the emotions to a minimum. Okay, you do need to express your emotions, however, you want to express them with minimal emotion. If you cry or yell, you’re going to have a harder time truly communicating how you feel. Also, your partner will not be actively listening if you’re sobbing in front of them. Staying as rational as possible gives you the best outcome.
#11 Communicating isn’t a competition. The point of communicating isn’t about proving that you’re right and they’re wrong. It’s based on empathy and compromising. If you go into a discussion solely focusing on winning the debate. Well, you’re not going to get far. This isn’t a 100-meter dash.
#12 Timing. If you want to sit and talk with your partner about an issue that really bothers you, pick the proper time and place. Don’t do it an hour before their final university exam or the day after their grandfather died. Choose a quiet place, preferably not in public, and choose a moment where you both are emotionally neutral.
#13 Try to keep it relaxed. Sometimes, communicating our emotions can be quite stressful and emotional. There’s nothing wrong with throwing in some humor to help you relax and lighten the atmosphere. However, don’t make the conversation turn into a comedy hour. It distracts from the main objective. [Read: The guide to find your zone of calm perfection]
#14 Get a professional involved. If you experience problems applying these tips to your relationship, then consider seeking professional advice. Going to a therapist is a great option as they help provide you with the tools needed to start a conversation with your partner. Yes, you can read this feature and understand it, but putting it into practice can be a challenge.
Now that you know the 14 ways for how to communicate in a relationship, the only thing I can tell you is that you better get on it. Your communication skills aren’t going to get better on their own, so better get to work!
Post a Comment